1. Expectations: the key to any
relationship
It doesn't matter what kind of relationship you
are in. Expectations on the part of the people in
the relationship play a large part in determining
the health of that relationship. Take an
employee-employer relationship for example. An
employee that does not live up to what his
employer expects will likely find himself fired.
The same dynamic is in full effect in our romantic
relationships. Say your date is expecting you to
take her our to a nice dinner. Hopefully you
didn't mean diner, because she will be
disappointed, and that can be a problem.
Where do expectations come from ? They come from a
variety of places. When it comes to romantic
relationships a common driving force is what I
call a person's "inventory of experiences." Much
of this comes from what a person observed of their
parent(s) growing up. Even in this day if a man
grew up in a home with a father that didn't help
around the house, he may expect to come home and
leave the housework to his spouse. If his wife
grew up in a two career home where the father took
an active role in the household chores she may
expect the husband to do likewise. Obviously if
these different expectations are important enough
to one or both members of the couple this can be a
major problem !
In a business relationship if a merchant has a
hard-line about his 30 day return policy, it can
be a problem for a customer who has an expectation
that the merchant will resolve any problem he has
with the product.
Expectations are probably the biggest danger when
two people in a relationship have conflicting
expectations. In this situation one person or the
other has to give up all or most of what they
expect. This can be hard for someone to do. Take
our example couple above. If he expects to do no
housework, and she expects him to do half, he is
not willing to do any, and half may be her
minimum. This leaves little room for compromise.
The consequences for their relationship can be
severe.
In the case of conflicting expectations a great
deal of maturity may be required of one or both
people in the relationship. One or both parties
will have to decide that the relationship is more
important than their expectation.
Next time you are in a relationship that is
showing some strain, try to see if the other side
is expecting something different than you. If so
try to understand why they expect things to go
differently. Wherever possible put your
relationship before any of your expectations. Your
relationships will be stronger for it !
Love means having to say you're sorry: If
you make a mistake by doing or saying something
that is damaging to the relationship, say that
you're sorry. Many people struggle with these
words, even when they know that what they did
was wrong. It actually takes a strong person to
apologize.
Be yourself: Don't be phoney in your
relationship, trying to be someone or something
different as a way to please your mate. For a
relationship to work, both people need to be
themselves and react to things naturally.
Maintain your health: Having a good
relationship means having the energy to enjoy
getting out and doing things together. To do
that, it's important to eat right. When people
are tired, they become short-tempered. For this
reason, it is important to get the right amount
of sleep. Good exercise keeps your body in shape
for being adventurous together.
Compliment a lot: Be generous with
compliments. It's very common for people to
notice something nice about another person and
think about it internally, but never voice it.
When in a relationship, compliments are like
glue. They hold the couples attention and
respect. Make sure your compliments are genuine.
Realistic expectations: No matter how
wonderful and flawless your mate seems, no one
is perfect. Be careful about putting someone on
a pedestal, especially in the early stages of
your relationship. Ensure that the expectations
you have for your mate and yourself are
realistic.
There are going to be differences in opinion,
and probably some dis-agreements. Also, do not
assume that your mate knows how you feel or what
you think about something. When discussing
something important to you, ensure that you both
understand the same thing.
The reality is that neither one of you is going
to know exactly what the other one exactly
needs. As long as you do not expect them to read
your mind and accept that this is a part of
getting to know one another and communicating,
you will be fine.
3. How to get the most out of your
relationship
Good relationships take work. I have witnessed
many potential good relationships fail due too
poor or ineffective communication, an inability
to meet each other needs and by having
unrealistic expectations of the relationship in
general. The fact is, most of us don't know
always know the things we can do to improve our
relationships. Contrary to popular belief, its
not always how much love you have for each other
that can predict the success of your
relationship, but ultimately it comes down to
how conflicts and disagreements are handled.
Research has shown that couples who are
effective in resolving conflict report being
more fulfilled in their relationships and have
less incidence of divorce. I will provide you
some practical techniques that you can begin
implementing today that will drastically improve
the current state of your relationship.
Perception Vs. Reality
We have all heard the saying, "Every story has
three sides, my side, your side and somewhere in
the middle lays the truth". The fact is several
people can witnesses the very same event, yet
all walk away with a different perception or
interpretation of the facts. The same is true in
relationships. We all interpret events through
our own unique lens. The way we process
information is based largely on our past
experiences, environment and our own inherent
genetic make-up. Believe it or not, this is one
of the major reasons why many relationships
fail, not just our relationships with our spouse
or mate, but relationships with family,
co-workers and friends can all succumb to
inaccurate interpretations, inevitably causing
the relationship to deteriorate. Failing to
realize the impact of how ones perception can
influence how events are interpreted and
received can be the downfall of any
relationship. For couples that struggle with
this issue, it is important to always question,
particularly when conflict arises, if they are
being overly negative in interpreting their
partner's actions or motives, this can be done
by searching for evidence that is contrary to
the negative interpretation. Oftentimes when
this is done, couples find that the stance they
are choosing to take on a particular issue is
based solely on their own internal dialogue and
really has nothing to do with their partner.
Search for the positive
If I were to ask you right now to list 10
positive traits about yourself, it would
probably take you a while to come up with some
things; however, if I were to ask you to list 10
negative traits or qualities, you could probably
come up with them in 10 seconds flat.
Unfortunately, it is human nature to focus more
on what is not working in our lives than to
focus on what is going well. The same holds true
in our relationships; however, if you make a
point to focus more on the positive aspects of
your relationship and less on the negative, you
may find that things aren't so bad after all.
You may begin to view your relationship in a
more positive regard, which will directly affect
how you relate to your partner and how your
partner relates to you.
Scorekeeping is for games, not for relationships
Keeping score is a surefire way to kill your
relationship. Harboring bad feelings and holding
onto things in the past will ultimately destroy
your relationship if you don't do something
about it. Relationships are filled with both
good and bad times, when the bad times occur,
you and your partner must be committed to
resolving conflict in healthy ways by ensuring
that both partners feel that their voice is
being heard and that each of you are valued in
the relationship for you own unique strengths.
Scorekeepers may find themselves winning the
fight, but losing the relationship.
Self-esteem and Self worth comes from within
We all know of someone or have heard of someone
who has made a decision to start or continue in
a relationship because of what the other person
has to offer; money, prestige, fame, etc. It is
important to note, that because your partner has
those things, doesn't necessarily mean you will
be happy. It is foolish to believe that your
mate is the only source of your happiness and
that the only way to feel complete is to be in a
relationship or base your relationship solely on
what your partner has. Sure having someone to
love and to share your life with can lead to a
happier or more fulfilled life, but lets be
clear about one thing, it cannot be the only
thing that makes your life complete. The
healthiest relationships exist when both
partners feel whole even before the relationship
begins. If you are dependent on your mate to
fulfill your every need, you may be setting
yourself and your relationship up to fail. The
role of your mate is to compliment you, not make
you. Self-fulfillment and self-esteem comes from
within through personal acceptance, personal
strength and self-love. If self-esteem is
something you are struggling with, you need to
first identify the source of your emptiness and
develop a plan to begin to change the way you
feel about yourself. The fact is, it doesn't
matter how many ways or how many times your mate
expresses his love, you will be incapable of
receiving it until the internal work is done. An
excellent book on self-esteem that I highly
recommend is "Ten Days to Self-Esteem" by David
Burns.
State your needs clearly and concise
Don't expect for your mate to be able to read
your mind. As a couple, you need to openly
discuss your thoughts, feelings and concerns. If
there is something you need or want from your
partner, state it in clear and concise terms.
You can't hold your mate accountable for
something he/she is not aware of.
Avoid put down
We have all heard the saying "Fight Fair"; this
also applies to how you communicate with your
partner. When arguing with you partner, it is
important to allow him/her to leave the argument
with their dignity and self-respect still
intact. Name calling and character assai
nations, as I like to call it, will poison a
relationship and lead to resentment and hurt
feelings. Augments and disagreements are a
normal part of any relationship and the purpose
is to help couples resolve differences and to
reach new levels of understanding. The goal of
an augment is not to always to win, as Dr. Phil
puts it, If you win, then your partner loses
which will ultimately lead to a lose/lose
situation for the both of you.
In closing, maintaining a happy and healthy
relationship can be hard-work. However, when you
are able to reach a point in the relationship in
which both partners feel validated, valued and
successfully able to meet each other's needs,
the level of happiness and fulfillment a happy
relationship can bring, is well worth it. If
their are things you can do to improve your
relationship, start today, you may be surprised
at how far a little maintenance can go.
No one is born romantic. But like most things
in life, being romantic is something that can
be learned. Although romantic gestures may
seem like they come easily to some people that
is only because they've had lots of practice
and because they are in tune with what
motivates the opposite sex. Because that's all
that is involved. Being romantic involves
finding out what your partner wants (not what
they need!), and then finding a unique way to
meet those needs. Pretty simple, huh?
Let's get one thing cleared up first. Being
romantic isn't about some grand extravagant
gesture like flying first class to Paris for a
2 week romantic blitz. It's about the little
things. Little things are simple things that
you do for your loved one. Despite the fact
that they are "little" they can mean a lot
because it illustrates that you took time out
of your busy life just to show them how much
you care.
One thing that most people want, male and
female, is to feel special and loved. It's how
you show them that you love them, where the
challenge comes in. Some people feel loved
when they are told repeatedly that they are
loved. Others feel loved when they are touched
frequently. And others see love in gestures
and everyday kindnesses. Of course, there are
others that may need all three of the above to
really feel loved and secure but usually there
is one need that dominates. You need to find
out what your partner needs and then you can
begin working out what method you will use to
romance them.
Not sure what your loved one prefers? Do an
experiment or three and see how they respond?
You'll very quickly work it out.
What can you do if your loved one wants to
hear how much you love them? You need to tell
them. But don't just tell them and have it
coming off like some kind of rote response to
hello or goodbye or please pass the pepper.
Think about different ways you can get your
message across. You could:
. Post them a good old fashioned love letter
. Send a romantic email
. Text them a love message
. Place a love note somewhere it will be found
easily, in their car or lunch bag or under
their pillow or taped to the phone receiver or
their computer
. For the kid in all of us! Use multi-colored,
sidewalk chalk to draw a BIG heart in red and
write "I love you" in the middle of the heart.
Do this someplace prominent like your driveway
so that when your partner comes home they will
see it right away.
. Make a long list of the many reasons why you
love your partner and have the list framed and
present it to them.
. If you don't live together, call your loved
one just to say goodnight and recite a
favorite love poem over the phone.
. Give your loved one a compliment, about how
great they look or what their smile does to
you
If your loved one needs regular physical
contact to feel loved you can:
. Give them a massage - backs and feet at the
end of a work week is always well received!
. Keep in physical contact as often as you
can, for example, when watching TV together,
eating dinner (it doesn't just have to be
hands, you can make sure your feet or legs are
touching)
. Give them random hugs
. Put your arm around your loved one in public
. Hold hands as you walk side by side
. Cuddle up in your pj's and watch a romantic
movie together
. Make sure you kiss them when you get home
and kiss before you leave
If your actions speak louder than words for
your loved one then you'll want to focus on
gestures that express your feelings. You can
try:
. While your partner showers, heat up his or
her towel in the dryer.
. Have flowers delivered to partner at work.
. Surprise your partner by arriving home with
their favorite drink, snack, or ice-cream.
. Arrange for an intimate lunch date with your
partner. Then afterward, send a virtual card.
Tell them how much you enjoyed lunch together.
. Call your partner in the middle of the day
to discuss your romantic plans for that
evening.
. Write your own love coupon offering an hour
of your time as their personal love slave.
. Cook a favorite meal for your partner and
then eat it, slowly, by candlelight.
. Pick a bouquet of wild flowers and present
them with a kiss.
. Call spontaneously at their work to say "I
am thinking of you."
If they like all of the above then you can
really go wild and mix it all up together. The
only limit is your own imagination and the
desire to make it happen.
If you're wanting help to write that special
love letter, email, text or note then check
out Jill Brennan's range of easy-to-use love
templates. Use them as is or incorporate them
into your own unique letters. To find out more
visit the
love letter website.
