1. You CAN find life after divorce!
It's All About Change
One of the most radical and often devastating
changes that a person may experience is the change
accompanying a divorce. But you don't have to
flounder through it all alone. What if you had
help charting a course to the life you truly
wanted to live? What if you could leverage this
time of change to create the life of your dreams?
What if you received support and guidance through
the transition from pain and confusion to thriving
in your new life?
I can help.
At the core, my work with people revolves around
creating effective change - I am a skilled change
agent moving clients through the often choppy
waters of a complex life.
Many of the women I work with have been through
divorce and are trying to work through the
complexity of putting the past behind them,
identifying the resources they have and those they
need to help them move forward. They are working
towards a renewal of their personal power and are
interested in building self-confidence. Often they
are faced with upgrading their employment skills
or entering the work force for the first time when
they are faced with financial pressures. Some are
learning what it means to be alone and
reestablishing the confidence of independence.
Although it can be an extremely confusing, often
overwhelming time, the hidden silver lining is
that it can also be a potent time to restructure,
revision and recreate a life based on principles
that can bring you the fulfillment and excitement
you desire. My goal in working with you is to help
you better understand the steps needed to get you
there!
I went though a divorce as a young adult with no
support and know first hand the difficulty that
many people go through when they are trying to
rebuild a positive and fulfilling life after all
of the "legal dust" has settled. I experienced
first hand how difficult and painful the
rebuilding process can be with no support. My
experience coupled with over 18 years of helping
people navigate complex change establishes my
ability as a trusted change agent in developing a
satisfying life after divorce.
I am so blessed to do this work because in it I
participate in the process of real and substantive
positive change in the lives of my clients. What a
remarkable, real and inspiring undertaking. It
calls on me to bring myself totally present with
each of my client calls. It expands my capacity
for understanding and recognition of the amazing
opportunity we each have to affect not only our
own lives but that of the planet as a whole. It
shows me and my clients over and over again the
unique qualities each of us possess and how
precious those qualities are. If each of us truly
understood that our very being ness is exactly
what our lives and the lives of others require to
thrive would we hold back anything? Would we allow
the next moment to happen, move into it and meet
it fully? Would we bring our whole selves forward
on this adventure of life?
That is what real living is about - not holding
back from each individual moment whether it holds
great joy or sorrow but having the willingness to
live it fully. Each moment is a moment of change
and that change can be profoundly moving if we
participate in it fully.
In this article I will be outlining several ways
for you to get started on your own right now.
Get Support:
Hopefully you already have the support of family
and friends. But finding the RIGHT kind of support
is what is key here. Often, unfortunately, family
and friends, though well meaning, may have their
own agendas for you. One of the essential
components of this change is that it is based on
YOU: your clarity, your dreams and what you want.
It is vital that you determine who in your life
allows you to discover what you want and go to
them. Basing your own self- development program on
what YOU want is the first step in building self-
confidence again. Make sure they have your best
interests at heart and not just what they think
you need. If this does not seem to be available,
see if you have a trusted clergy member, a
counselor, a support group, or a good coach. I
believe you need ample time to discover what it is
that you want next and do all you can to support
THAT.
Forgive Yourself:
The greater your willingness to forgive yourself,
the greater will be your enthusiasm and creativity
in moving forward. Many people harbor feelings of
failure about their divorce. Many blame themselves
and continue to go over all that they might have
done differently. Self-judgment is like the
cross-current that will immediately send you off
course. It is the one thing that can destroy your
self-confidence and any creative idea you may have
for the future. It is often a natural way to deal
with all of the chaos and upheaval- we immediately
blame ourselves or our spouse. It is a negative
attempt to gain control. But effectively it
defeats your dreams and keeps you tied to the
past. Look for ways to forgive and nurture
yourself; defend yourself against any of your
self-judgments. Essentially, they are untrue and
you can move past them. My soon-to-be launched
Audio/Workbook program can give you the tools you
need to deal with Judgment.
Discover What You Want:
Often in very important relationships our identity
becomes so entwined with another that when it ends
we are not sure who we are. This perceived loss of
self is actually the deepest pain of the
separation. You need time to rediscover yourself
outside of the relationship. You require enough
space and peace to be able to envision a new,
bright future. Right now you may be using your
imagination to see all of the possible negative
outcomes. The important thing for you to realize
here is that you are using your imagination to
support these old thoughts and actions. Our
imaginations are an amazingly powerful and
creative tool. See if you can begin to use it to
support you not hobble you.
Start by letting yourself imagine what you would
like to see in your new life. Take a moment right
now, close your eyes, take a few breaths and
consider one thing you would like to change. Use
your imagination to envision or sense it already
in your life. Let yourself feel what it would be
like to have it already in place. Use the
inspiration of that to fuel your actions.
Action the Change:
Now the next important thing is to start actioning
that change. Change does not happen unless you
take targeted action. If you need help seeing
how to practice making change you can sign up
for my F.r.e.e eClass that will lead you through
the basic steps of change. You can click here
http://www.conniebutler.biz/change_signup.php
to sign up for this F.r.e.e. eClass and download
it immediately. You can start making those changes
right now. Use the principles in this class to
start making smaller changes so you can build
the inner strength and resolve needed to make
the larger changes effectively.
As you look at your current life and envision what
you want choose one area that you wish to change.
What do you need as support to make that change?
You may need to access a quality within yourself.
The quality may be courage or faith or strength.
You may need the courage to try something new. You
may need the faith to believe the change is
possible. And you may need the strength to take
the action required. Start developing the quality
that will most leverage the change you want.
Who or what might help you take the action.
Perhaps you need a buddy. Someone who encourages
you and to whom you are accountable. Do all you
can to put that support in place. One of the
things I see in my work with clients is the
necessity to notice the smallest increments of
change. When you notice change as you are taking
action your motivation for more action increases.
Continue to envision the change you want.
Eventually the momentum of action will increase
and you will find yourself moving along the line
of growth and action that will bring substantive
change into your life. This is one of the most
important transitions of your life. Give yourself
all you need to create the life that will bring
you the satisfaction and fulfillment. In the
process you can also access my eBook
"Nothing will change until you change. Everything
will change when you change."~ Lou DiCaprio
2. Dating After Divorce- the secrets!
Does dating after divorce seem like a scary
proposition to you? Would you like to know the
secrets to success?
It's not easy being single again. You never
planned on being back in this place of starting
over from square one. This is not the life you
signed up for--but, it's the one you got.
So...what can you do to get ready to start dating
after divorce? Here are three secrets that can
save you from heartbreak and lead you to greater
success:
* Give yourself a year alone
This seems difficult for a lot of people, and it
may be hard for you. You may want to believe the
worst is behind you. You may be afraid of being
alone and on your own. Or, you may feel that you
were so lonely while you were in your marriage,
you want to find a relationship that meets some of
your needs. But everyone needs at least a year.
You need time to grieve, read, talk with a
counselor, spend quiet time, and heal. If you
don't, you will have...baggage.
* Handling your baggage
Baggage is unresolved emotional issues. When you
have previous relationships that you still feel
angry, hurt, or in turmoil about, working these
emotions through with a professional will help you
save your next relationship. It is unrealistic to
expect your next partner to help you work out your
problems that have plagued you from the past. Your
marriage might not have worked out the way you
wanted it to, but that doesn't have to stop you
from learning, growing, and getting ready for the
rest of your life.
*Take kind, nurturing care of yourself
If you are divorced, you may be depressed,
struggling with emotional or economic survival,
and finding it difficult to face the day. You need
to take extreme care of yourself. Start by getting
some professional advice. If you can't afford
counseling, visit your place of worship and ask
for help. Take a look at your habits of exercise,
rest, and food. Find a buddy and get specific with
your plans, such as going to the gym three times a
week. Keep only healthy foods in the house so you
don't get hooked on sugar or junk food. And turn
off the TV when the news is depressing or the
shows are violent. Treat yourself the way a good
mother would treat you--make yourself some chicken
soup, curl up with your favorite blanket, and
rest.
Being divorced is your time to recover yourself,
rediscover your lost dreams, and build yourself up
from the inside so you are ready to go out and
meet other healthy people. Take this time to take
good care of yourself.
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